Current location:	school
Current mood:	gloomy
Current music:	tapping keystrokes from the jerk off next to me

I'm moving soon...this time it's for certain. We're moving to south carolina, and to be perfectly honest, as much as I'd like to stay, I don't know if I could stay. It's hard enough trying to get by on subway wages and trying to do school and shit, so I think it's best if I went with the fam. I haven't been doing my best in school, I'm not motivated, and all these projects, all these ideas I have had for music and drawing just turn out to be shit to me. "Strewn Across the Ceiling" even came out as a bust. I'm only a page and a half into it and I already hate the fact that I can't stay focused on it, or just art in general. Everything I do seems shitty. As much as running away isn't the answer, it seems that I need a new environment, maybe....I don't know...

I might join the coast guard. Jim said I could get a decent living off of that until I finish school. I'd go to boot camp and shit like that, but I wouldn't be shipped off anywhere. He's not a recruiter and he's not one to bullshit about those types of things. I'm not sure though. My cousin offered a room at her old house, but I'd be living with my uncle, my cousin, her 3 year old kid, and she's got another baby on the way.

It's a catch 22. I'm damned if i do, damned if I don't.

I think beyond my garage, and the small group I hang out with, and Sunny, there's really not much here for me. I always wanted to see whats beyond the wall, but I'm afraid of the abyss, and not knowing anything at all. I can't use words right, I'm a slacker, I drink a lot, and I don't know if there's really anything else for me. I'd like to try something different, but again, i'm afraid to. And it seems recently that whatever I try, I definitely fuck up. That's for sure. I just overall feel useless. I used to really enjoy life. Now I'm over-tired or an insomniac, I'm pushing towards alcoholism, apparently, and I just feel like a waste. I could do so much, I could've done so much, but I feel like there's nothing left. I wasted my resources, taken advantage of situations, and now I feel kinda unnecessary. I felt I had purpose and then it went away. I thought I could live for other people, that if they could come over and have a couple of beers and talk, I was important. I don't feel that anymore. I feel there's maybe more beyond what I consider a daily chore of drinking and seeing my friends and sleeping in until 3 pm. I just feel weighed down and exhausted and I'm sick of myself and the people around me.

I can only play so many games of pool until I realize we've been at snookers for the past week, and now there's nothing new to do. I need something new; that might be it. But I don't know. My life's a waste. Whenever I feel I do good, I just fuck up. No one listens to great lake saint clair, or at least takes it seriously beyond the fact that it's someone they know making the music. I feel like shit. I feel like screaming. I feel like dying, and no song that I write helps. I could put every last bit of effort into making something that everyone can level to, and in the end, I'm by myself on the situation. I want people to maybe not feel as sad as I do, but maybe come to some sort of level ground and go, "yeah, I've dealt with that. Man that sucks." But I feel ostracized from the way everyone else feels. I'm misinformed, I'm not very educated, and I feel like I've got nothing left to lose, except for myself, and even that's starting to slip away.


I hope none of this makes sense. Grammar's for suckers.