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"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone. You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place." - Andrew Largeman (Zach Braff) "Garden State"
I just bought that today. I don't know why, but that movie kinda hits home at some points. I have a few friends that have made themselves successful and some of those who I still party with and drink, smoke, and drive around til the wee hours of the morning. I remember somebody told me (in fact a lot of people told me) that leaving grosse pointe was the greatest thing that could have ever happened to them and that I should do it. I honestly don't know about that. it seems all too much for me. I'm on the absolute verge of tears right now. The house is taking way longer than expected, my nights are turning into mornings, the leaves are falling, the fucking sky is falling and I feel so helpless and diaphanous (thank you thesaurus.com) that I don't think that I can withstand the test of time, let alone withstand my current situation. I just want to board a ship, float to the middle of the ocean, and just sit there. I'll burn like a lobster, and hope the disembodied voice of Christopher Walken will find itself in a volley ball with a smiley face made out of my own blood and console me.
I've came to so many conclusions. I've felt so awful for the past month, and it's really fucking sad that I don't think I could talk to anyone. I write in here because I know I won't talk to anyone. I stay out in berkley and sometimes I'm kind of glad I don't talk to anyone. I spent my day today just completely skewing my reality so everything would feel better. I smoked with terrell thompson, one of what used to be the closest friendship I ever had. I was so clingy to this kid because he just brought this pleasantness to everything. We were friends since elementary school. He recently moved back from kalamazoo after he came to the same realization that I did: there's just no escaping this fucking town. Him and I were inseparable up until people realized he had a voice, got popular, knew guitar, and got women and was social, while I just sat to myself listening to the wallflowers and remained in a constant state of depression that every kid feels just feeling completely out of every sort of thing there was to be out of. I remember I faked being a baritone in choir just so I could talk to him in class because I was so lonely and I thought that we could be friends and still be on opposite sides of the spectrum of the socialites.
We drove from south campus and he had this fakie cigarette one hitter and we just smoked what he had left of whatever (I think he said it was chronic), but it was really nice. We listened to sondre lerche, went to lindas, and talked. I mean, I freaked out most of the time and slurred my words, and for once I didn't care. I took him home and he thanked me for the ride and the food, and I just could only think two things:
1) I'm really wasted
2) I want you to stick around again, man. Let's go back to the swing set with tawney furhman and sing lion king and be the outcasts we once were.
Those were the only friends I used to honestly say that I cried to willingly, and not just out of the fact they were there.
I love everyone, don't get me wrong. But I still feel selfish and think that I'm just Serwach. Serwach to me has become a pseudo name for some guy who could throw a massive bash and be so kind and funny and the guy who pukes while lying on his back at his own party. I feel sometimes I'm no longer Andrew. I'm Serwach. I feel like i've lost a lot of identity within the past 5 years and I'm nothing really but someone everyone seems to like and everyone can turn to/Jew. Why is it that everytime I come to someone with a problem it's just a "get over it" issue, when everyone else comes to me with their shit and I try to give solutions, be consoling, and give whatever I have. It's like putting in a penny for a mechanical horse ride when your a kid, and instead of getting the full ride, you just get the fizzing, dying sounds of a horse's "nay". I want someone to give me a fucking hug and a fucking shoulder to bawl on for once. I feel this is what a friendship's for.
I've been writing a lot of sad stuff lately. I usually do it at work just to get the creative juices flowing. Dave Roberts, being the true friend he is, says all my songs are about drinking, smoking, and coffee. It fucking hurt. I don't know if he still uses his live journal. Well, if you do man, now you know. I'm being a complete pussy about this. IT FUCKING HURT ME. I know it doesn't seem like much, but I always have been a firm believer in writing about what you know, and so...there ya' go. That's been my life for the past couple of months. I've been feeling lousy and drinking, smoking, and drinking pot after pot of coffee. Instead of taking for what my experiences are worth, dave could've said, "so..what the hell is this about?" Instead, he brings his personal politics into what I write about and tells me how uncreative my writing is because everyone apparently writes about all that shit. I don't mind criticism. It's not my favorite, but I know everyone has opinions and stuff. For all he had known, this could've been a cry for help and just a way to throw those emotions out of my system and not for the sole fact of selling a non existent album that could eventually come along and make me millions. I get shafted on his grading scale of writing because it lacked the wordplay like leatherface and jawbreaker, and had no real metaphor behind it. It really pissed me off how he actually picked up one of the songs I left at work, as well as two others, brought it around my co-workers and dissected the parts about drinking and thought that I was trying to be "deep".
Anyways, the rest of my day was drinking. I drank at around 4 with my friend Kaitlin and her ex girlfriend and her ex's current boyfriend Amelio. I was still stoned and they had some disorono, which we hid from the outside world in coke bottles; it tasted like cherry coke. Anyways, we went through borders drunk and stoned looking at movies. I found the mystery science theater movie, which wasn't all that great, plus a copy of what I based today's 10 pages of "oh woe is me" lecture, Garden State. I haven't seen it in forever. I sat downstairs and finished it once through, almost crying in front of my cousin. I'm on my 3rd time watching it tonight. I get like that with sad, (oh, excuse me, dave) "DEEP" movies like that. I get that way every time I see SLC punk. That scene when bob and steve-o were in the basement playing D&D and bob brings over the single of "Kiss Me Deadly" by Generation X. You feel a part of you was missing a dramatic climax, with a beautiful, meaningful, paralleled soundtrack to go with it, other than the sounds of people yelling at you for making sandwiches wrong or the smashing of beer bottles and screeching tires in the night.
I'm starting to regret my decision of staying here. I feel empty. It's always had a part of me, but this place holds only a tiny piece of my heart. The rest is for everyone else. And it makes me sad, and it's actually cuing the water works, but my heart is for everyone else to take. When is it going to be mine again, and I'll distribute the pieces better?
I'm gonna go write a song about drinking smoking, doing drugs, feeling like shit. It might not be an Attack of the... song. But damn it, I don't care because it's my fucking song.
There are days I wish I was at the biltmore estate and diving into the scenery. Maybe at that point I'll become the scenery and I'll be background noise. I already feel like the hidden track.Current Mood:  Someone bring the shotgun Current Music: The entire album of "Through Being Cool" by Saves the Day |
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OPENING CREDITS: Descendents - Hey Hey
My least favorite descendents song
WAKING UP: The Cure - Same Deep Water as You
Falling asleep maybe...
FALLING IN LOVE: Elliot Smith - 2:45 am
falling out of love?
FIGHT SCENE: The Lawrence Arms - Hey, What Time Is 'Pensacola: Wings Of Gold' On, Anyway?
Why is it that every fight scene i get into has the lawrence arms as a background
BREAKING UP: Megadeth - Kill the King
hahaha....I'm not gay...or like drag kings.
GETTING BACK TOGETHER: Rancid - She's Automatic
hahaha sweet choice.
SECRET LOVE:Lifetime - Cut the Tension
ooooo nice title fit.
LIFE'S OKAY: Lifetime - Just a Quiet Evening
MENTAL BREAKDOWN: Weezer - Surfwax America
Mental breakdown....yeah.
DRIVING FLASHBACK: D4 - Our Science is Tight
PARTYING: The Ataris - The Last Song I Will Ever Write About a Girl
that's one depressing party
HAPPY DANCE: Alkaline Trio - Tuck Me In
Nopers...
REGRETTING: The Misfits - Wolf's Blood
heh...er...nah
LONG NIGHT ALONE: Catch 22 - Day in, day out
THE NEXT MORNING: Cursive - Polar
no
FINAL BATTLE: Against Me! - Baby, I'm an Anarchist
nooOoOooOooOOOOOO! as cool as this song is...no
DEATH SCENE: Placebo - Special Needs
alright.
END CREDITS: MSI - Bitches
hellz yeah suckah duckah.Current Mood:  depressed Current Music: Yeah Yeah yeahs - Modern romance |
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